The Future of Kayakfishing II: Director's Cut

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H2Oz
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue May 12, 2015 2:21 pm

The Future of Kayakfishing II: Director's Cut

Post by H2Oz »

Well, friends, I'm sorry to say that kayakfishing is about to be "over". Out of style. Obsolete. Jumped the shark. Kaput. Oh, it won't die overnight, but its days are clearly numbered. Many major kayakfishing forums are simply gone, others receive fewer and fewer posts every day. In desperation, many have turned to "social media" like FacePalm and TwitDerp, only to find their ranks falsely swollen by the same vaporheads who constantly splooge the internet with endless photos of their latest lunch.

"No way!" you cry out. "They're STILL selling a LOT of fishing kayaks!"

But the true clues to kayakfishing's impending demise are to be found in an unbiased examination of the obvious historical trends in watercraft AND tackle design.

Simple extrapolation shows a clear, constant and inexorable trend toward ever more miniaturization and simplification in saltwater sportfishing. A century ago, we fished from bulky wooden Heminwayesque cabin cruisers, with huge, clunky rods and reels. Then modern fiberglass assembly methods brought on a golden age of gleaming white bayboats and fast skiffs, with smaller and lighter tackle. Then rotomolding methods gave us first the SINK, then the SOT. And, finally, the superwide-surfboard SUPs caught on.

Through all the long years and trends/styles/crazes, only the lowly wadefishermen remained pretty much the same -- but, sadly, was remanded to the shallows, so he seldom enjoyed the heartpounding excitement of dealing with truly GIGANTIC pelagic denizens.

Thus, it's crystal clear to me now what the NEXT big craze MUST be: lifejacketfishing!

Picture this: On a glorious summer morning in 2020, a new 165-foot "bullet motherboat" roars out from Tampa, headed west into the Gulf at 300 mph. Along each rail, facing astern, stands a long line of eager sportsmen, each slowly shuffling toward his turn on the twin stern-mounted launching slides.

Gone are the days of needing silly, expensive things like personal watercraft, paddles, rods, reels, fishgrippers and other frivolous geegaws. In their brand new, state-of-the-art Type I++ PFD's (35.5 pounds of flotation!), a single 300-yard coil of slender but powerful steel cable dangling from each of their padded waists (each ending in a 75-ounce rainbow-colored petroleumfish jig), THESE headboat dayfishermen are ready to experience the ULTIMATE "sleigh-ride".

Think of the benefits to our ECONOMY! Millions of the previously unemployable hired to patrol our beaches and collect all those shredded remnants of orange nylon (and, well, other stuff). Railroad workers back on the job as mile-long freights hurtle through the night toward America's reinvigorated former "Rust Belt", the rosy glow in the night sky from hundreds of triple-shift belching smokestacks at the Shredded Lifejacket Reassembly and Stain Removal Plant, the National Single Human Foot Identification Laboratory, and so on.

The ecological and/or social benefits alone are almost incalculable. Aside from raising the nutrient levels in our beleagured oceans, and finally putting a significant dent in overpopulation, non-understanding wives and girlfriends will only have to bitch once about hearing, "Honey, I'm going fishing!"

Not that there won't be controversy, of course. Older lifejacketfishing purists -- surly curmudgeons who, by tradition, call each other "Bob" (and of whom there are only 5 left, all triple amputees) -- will clash with the post-millenial New Wavers, who support a complete federal redesign of the Type I++, to include built-in subwoofers and malt liquor dispensers. Vehemently vocal special interest groups will arise, like the Mothers With Children Made Catatonic by Finding Things On the Beach, and the Citizens Council for Icthyo-Digestible Fastex Buckle Substitutes. And, of course, Hollywood will make billions from retro-styled Jaws-knockoff films, featuring dialogue like: "He CAN'T stay down! He CAN'T! Not with THREE lifejacketfishermen in him!"

Yes, my friends, it will be a new era, a golden dawn, when kayakfishing becomes so passe that WE (the 27 remaining REAL paddlefishing enthusiasts still left on the planet) can pick up fully-rigged and -equipped fishing kayaks and canoes for five bucks each on craigslist.

Sincerely,

(ba-domp-BOMP)

Shecky Hitler, Kayakfishing Comedian

____________________
Shecky Hitler is appearing nightly at The Sit-Down Comedy Club in Greater Downtown Drownedkarstopolis. His latest kayakfishing comedy album, "That Ain't My Stakeout Pole But Don't Stop Now" is available on 8-track tapes and floppy disks.
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Brett
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Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:43 pm
Location: Fort Wayne, IN, USA
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Re: The Future of Kayakfishing II: Director's Cut

Post by Brett »

Heh, doesn't this already exist, to a certain degree?

http://www.cabelas.com/category/Float-T ... 335380.uts

I've actually seen a guy with a small electric motor mounted to the back of one...
Midwestern freshwater kayak fisher-of-whatever's-biting
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