Lightning Facts for Fishing Liars

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H2Oz
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue May 12, 2015 2:21 pm

Lightning Facts for Fishing Liars

Post by H2Oz »

Florida (and this area in particular) leads the nation in lightning strikes, but only because it leads the nation in number of fishing liars.

53% of all Florida lightning strikes are caused by fishermen uttering the phrase "May God strike me dead if...". Most of the other 47% of strikes occur almost instantly, indoors or out, when a psychiatric condition known as "stretchus descriptivus" causes the hands to be held too far apart (especially if one of them is holding a beer can).

The fact that many strikes occur on land is only due to the widespread presence of fishing liars in bars, juke joints and taverns throughout the state's interior, as most fishing liars prefer to drink in extremely conductive places (e.g., nearby water, rusty tin roof, chicken wire in front of the stage, and so on).

Cemeteries are the worst place to take shelter, as there are so many fishing liars interred there and God frequently nails one several times after the burial to make absolutely SURE he is dead.

Linguistics professors now believe that the common American epithet "lying skunk" evolved from the Early German "uberschtinkycatliegend" or "lying about BEING skunked", which is curiously underlined in most Medieval texts by a jagged yellow line ending in a black splotch.

The first documented fishing liar killed by lightning in Florida was in 1857, when local politician Erasmus J. "Stumpy" Pudwhiffle attempted to win votes on the campaign trail by relating his personal fishing exploits. The common local names for certain species of sunfish, "stumpknocker" and "shellcracker", derive from this incident.

Most fishing liars are amateurs, of course, and many are killed before they can even begin to lie about actual fish per se. A tragic example from just last year was little 9-year old Gumpie Cooter of East Tickmoss. Sneaking in the back door with his newly purchased first plug, still in the box, he was accosted by his shrewish mother yelling, "And how much did you spend on THAT?!"

Statisticians now attribute the last decade's dramatic uptick in Florida lightning deaths to a large number of fishermen becoming skilled with modern computer programs like Photoshop. This would account for many of the sudden disappearances of formerly frequent contributors to social media and fishing forums.

Of course, the absolute WORST thing a fishing liar can do is lie about other fishing liars, but I SWEAR, there are just SO MANY of those dirty ba
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crookedsnook
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:56 pm
Location: sote

Re: Lightning Facts for Fishing Liars

Post by crookedsnook »

Thanks for posting this information. I will never lie about my fish catches again.
let's try over there
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