The Secret Cure for Skunkification

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H2Oz
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The Secret Cure for Skunkification

Post by H2Oz »

At some point in paddlefishing, you are going to think that you are losing your freaking mind. You'll get skunked, and skunked again, and skunked until you think you will never get UN-skunked again. You will have changed your spots, tried different tides, changed your bait/lure, changed your retrieve, maybe even done something totally insane, like letting your wife or girlfriend actually WASH your formerly lucky fishing shirt. In sheer desperation, you'll finally seek -- and get -- some of the best advice on the planet right here on this forum.

But there is one ancient cure that I don't see offered anywhere NEAR often enough these days, and it DIRECTLY addresses THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE of not catching fish.

The number one cause of not catching fish is Self-Induced Mandibular and Maxillofacial Misalignment -- also known as Self-Induced Sulking Disorder, Poutgroumble's Syndrome, or Skunk-Induced Fidgety Whine-itis. This is a horrifying attitudinal condition that can instantly affect ANY fisherman of ANY race, creed, gender, intelligence or education level, state of injury or disease (or even otherwise perfect health), at ANY time, and ANYWHERE in the world. And the TRUE horror of this debilitating destroyer that has haunted mankind all down the long centuries is this: if you are not SELF-innoculated against it, and if you don't RE-innoculate yourself literally every single day of your life, it almost INSTANTLY returns with a vengeance.

Your grandfather or your father probably tried to warn you about it. At the very first symptom of sulking, whining, pouting, sighing, slumping, griping or grumbling about a forgotten lunch sack, misplaced or fouled gear, inconsiderate boaters, or ANY variation of too much of this and too little of that -- sun, shade, heat, cold, rain, wind, bugs, fish in the water, fish in the boat, etc. -- he would simply turn to you and say:

"You're not holding your mouth right, bub."

Being full of the "addled essence of adolescence", you probably thought he was going all zen on you, or that geriatric wear and tear had finally scrambled his rapidly-greying noodle. But on the off chance that the true and full meaning of this cosmological bon mot did NOT sink in with you at SOME point in the (hopefully) long years since, here's EXACTLY what he MEANT:

"You are alive, you are a free human being in the most free country on Earth, empowered by the deity (or none) of your free choice and/or by the rule of (mostly sensible) laws to have set out on a journey of your own free choosing, from a place and at a time and to a destination of your own free choosing, at any point during which you will be anchored-up/staked-out/drifting/paddling/trollmotoring in a place which, despite the unnatural depredations of modernity, still literally qualifies as a crown jewel in the radiant regalia of Mother Nature, the entire world within the reach of every single one of your senses fairly splashing and gurgling and sparkling and echoing with a billion tiny miracles every single second. Well, boo-hoo, world's tiniest violin, sucks to be you, lemme start sobbing right into the back of my hand here, and if you keep this up, you ungrateful little ____, you'll not only never get a bite, you'll never even get back to your Emo friends in the city because someone (probably me) is going to duct-tape your sorry ass to a styrofoam cooler lid and tow you out to a gator mound."

Yeah, I think that about covers it.

Go now, and sin no more. ^o^

Reverend H2Oz

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Rik
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Re: The Secret Cure for Skunkification

Post by Rik »

My Dad did the holding your mouth wrong thing for years. When I got older it was "its hanging down the wrong leg of your shorts".

Yeah, I adjusted it.
Over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley
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jbdba01
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Re: The Secret Cure for Skunkification

Post by jbdba01 »

I go with the rally cap and a poon dance.
JB
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H2Oz
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Re: The Secret Cure for Skunkification

Post by H2Oz »

jbdba01, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we'd really, really, REALLY like to have you put a video up with you doing the poon dance.

If you could do it backwards and just wear one glove, I'm pretty sure it would go viral. :lol:
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fishshooter99
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Re: The Secret Cure for Skunkification

Post by fishshooter99 »

jbdba01 wrote:I go with the rally cap and a poon dance.
Concerning the aforementioned "poon dance", can it be done in kayak, or is it just a stink pot kinda move?
Gary
expatriate Floridian living in the foriegn land of Georgia
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